Thoughts of August Last

Boy, I've been dreading this. The month of August is nearly gone, and I've been able to put these voices out of my head for a couple weeks now. They tried to push their way into the front many times during that stretch in the middle of the month, but they always brought the threat of tears and sadness, so I pushed them back. I hope it wasn't disrespectful.

August 20th was the anniversary of the death of my Dad. Lots of dates in August now have more significance to me. August 14th was the day he went to the Emergency Room with what they thought was "just" another kidney stone. He ended up having emergency surgery for a ruptured aortic aneurysm. He "code blued" in recovery. The next day was, I believe, the last day that I saw him awake and was able to speak to him. He teased the nurses and was rude to Mom and talked about how they waited until the third daughter to name Marjorie and how she is the one who, in fact, is the Marjorie in the family. I was a little ticked off at how he was acting, but I'm pretty sure I gave him a kiss and told him I loved him before I left his room. On August 16th we passed his 72nd birthday at the hospital. They had put him in a drug-induced sleep, so Mom talked to him quietly about how they had had a date to go to Finley's for a free steak dinner that evening but that they could go another time. And on August 20th we made the decision to let him go.

I don't understand why with the knowledge that I have about life after this life and how I will make sure that he has the opportunities he needs, why thinking of his death still brings so much sadness. I know where he is and have some ideas about what he is doing and hopes for where he is going. But there is still the sadness. I know I will see him again. I told him as he was leaving us that his Mom, Dad, brothers, and many other loved ones were waiting for him on the other side. There would be a joyful reunion. But the sadness lingers.

I missed a lot of closeness and good times with my Dad over the past 30 or so years, things that my sisters and their families had that my family and I missed out on. I'm hoping that with his new-found knowledge that he realizes it, too. My Patriarchal Blessing says that I will be a savior unto my ancestors. I'll do what I can. The rest is up to them.